Micro-dosing Psilocybin Saved My Life - a personal case study of overcoming trauma and dorsal vagal collapse

 

First, I'll explain what happened that put me in a position of my life needing to be saved. After that, I'll get into the role that micro-dosing Psilocybin played in saving my life, not once but twice. I will also share all the resources I used to heal trauma and nervous system shutdown.

You should know I was a healthy, conscious, balanced person living fearlessly. The experiences I will describe to you are new to me. I don't have a history of trauma, major depression, or anxiety.

This piece has much to cover. To be efficient with time, I will not discuss the details of the traumatic events. With trauma, what is important is an individual's response to the events, and that there is where I chose to put my focus.

 At the end of 2019, I moved from Los Angeles to Sarasota, Florida, during the pandemic. After being in LA for 25 years, this was a huge move.

I had no way of knowing that I was setting myself up to rent from an unstable ty·ran·ni·cal landlord who would traumatize me several times and create chronic stress.

The first interaction with the landlord was traumatic. Afterward, my body was shaking, and I fell to the ground. After that, I got a full-body rash and started having panic attacks.

This interaction put me under chronic stress that I could not escape. As the weeks wore on, I became lethargic.

One day I was sitting on the couch, and I felt a sensation of something breaking inside of me. It was right at my solar plexus.
I said to myself, "I just broke."
I recall telling a few friends and family members that
"I felt something break inside of me."

After that, I lay on the floor for weeks.
I felt trapped inside my own body.
I didn't have enough energy to sit up and couldn't sleep.
I lay there, witnessing myself cycle through depression, exhaustion, and anxiety.

These cycles were happening to me, and all I could do was witness it.
I was utterly powerless over my body and the experience.

With my nervous system being "offline," I also lost my ability to
intuit through sensation. Intuition is my guidance system, and now that ability was gone.

I thought I just needed rest, but
weeks turned into months, and I got worse.

I am a creative, and I'm wired to cycle in and out of darkness to create. Over the years, I've learned to dive into darkness and come out with new insights and inspiration. I could feel the darkness had no bottom to bounce back from this time.

I was isolated and alone, living in a rural, suburban area.
I could not make myself leave the house or drive.
If I tried, it would lead to panic attacks.

This frozen state was a version of me that I had never met before.
I didn't know what was happening to me, but I knew that
I could not continue to live that way. The contrast between who I was and my new "coma-like" state was too much to bear.

I felt dead, so naturally, I thought about ending my life.
I was so deep into the darkness that I called it the "place before death."
I got to the point that I was planning on killing myself.
I wrote my suicide letters, and then I chose my method.

A war was going on inside of me, a battle of life and death. I was alone. No one was coming to save me, which weighed heavily on me like a blanket of dread. I was utterly alone.

One morning I woke up in the darkest of dark states, and that was the day I was going to pursue acquiring my chosen suicide method, but instead, as a last-ditch attempt to save myself, I took a microdose of Psilocybin.

I don't particularly like taking anything external to alter me, but I figured I had nothing and yet everything to lose.

I had some Psilocybin on hand that a friend had given me. I was nervous, so I only took 1/10 of a microdose. Twenty-five minutes later, I had a smile on my face, went into the living room, put on music, and danced.

I didn't know how to microdose, so I just took a full microdose on the days I work up feeling "deathy."

Micro-dosing did fix the depression days, but I was still anxious and exhausted. My brain was ignited enough to move me forward in seeking answers.

I discovered that I had a dorsal /vagal shutdown which froze my nervous system and put me in a womb-like state.

The first modality I sought out was craniosacral therapy. I remember forcing myself to drive to the practitioner's office 10 minutes down a country road. I walked into the office shaking, crying, and hyperventilating. I walked out of the office a new woman. I felt calm and happy and drove home with no issues.

I went for several sessions, and my energy started coming back. I began to feel more energized and was able to be more social.

Until Trauma #2 with the owner occurred, which put me back into collapse, I had to start the entire healing process all over again, which I did.

This time I added Gyrotonic sessions. During the initial sessions, my teacher wanted me to move my upper body forward in space while seated. I could not do it. My brain was saying, "Move forward." But I was powerless to move my own body, which was terrifying.
He started pressing on my muscles that needed to activate, got on the bench behind me, and supported my body moving forward. I felt energy unlock in my solar plexus, and I cried. This scenario happened several more times, and I would drive home crying each time. Over time my brain-body connection strengthened.

Every time I started to feel like the old me, the owner would swing back around and re-traumatize me again.

I could never fully heal this while I was in his environment. I was paying a lot of money to live in a beautiful place, yet the whole time the owner had a metaphoric gun to my head.

Eventually, the owner pulled the trigger and put a bullet in my brain (metaphorically speaking.)
My shaking returned, my hormones went ballistic, I gained weight, and half of my hair fell out. The panic attacks also returned.

I had to escape but was afraid to rent again. Because I could only take on a limited amount of clients to match my low energy level, I had 1/2 of the income of what I would typically make. Meanwhile, rent prices had increased by 40%.

Luckily a friend who lived a few hours away offered to let me and my cats stay at his house.

I put my belongings in storage and made the move.

I was finally in a safe environment.

When I got here, I slept and cried for four weeks. I got nervous because l couldn't discern whether this was exhaustion or major depression. My roommate described me as catatonic. My energy returned at the end of 5 weeks, but I was definitely depressed.

When I moved to Florida, I had a successful online business, a positive attitude, great credit, plenty of savings, and robust health. All of that was gone.

Now I had lost everything which was my:
health
hair
home
most of my income
my savings
my intuitive guidance system
the ability to be with Sarasota friends
and my lifestyle

With my belongings now in storage, I also lost my identity. Yes, these belongings are external objects, but they are also an outward expression of who I am.

Here I sat in a void, facing all the loss and figuring out how to rebuild myself on every level with minimal resources.

A client of mine referred me to an online clinic called Mycology Psychology. I signed up for my free consult. I chose to work with Erin Atkinson because of her trauma therapy background.

I received my recommended micro-dosing blends and committed to the 90-day process. I am to take a daytime blend and nighttime tincture. Their protocol is five days on and two days off.

I had a safe environment, time, and space to heal and process.

Here are my notes on what happened after surrendering to the "fungi kingdom."

Week 1

The morning dose had a 30 mins onset - it feels like the sun is rising in my brain. I am aware of more energy in my head, improved ability to focus, and noticeable body sensations.

The evening dose had a 25-minute onset - I felt a sensation across my chest and in my brain - when I closed my eyes for sleep, I saw a few flashes of light, and it felt like it turned on a light center in my brain.

As the week progressed:
More body sensations - more awareness of my body.
My mind can focus for the 1st time in a few years.

The purge and release :
Lots of pooping and crying, sometimes simultaneously, which always made me laugh afterward.

I am feeling a body buzz.
I am aware that I am "talk smiling," which is a "me" thing, where I smile when I talk.
I felt creative and focused and was able to work on my business for the 1st time in months.

I am still purging, and pathways are opening in my body.

I am sleeping deep for a full 8 hours.

Access to my intuition is coming back even stronger than before.

I feel euphoric.
I am laughing and dancing.
I worked out at home today!
I dropped into my body, and when it happened, I heard a sound like a dubstep Whomp!
I've been listening to music a lot.
I have a lot of creative thoughts.
Getting shit done that I have been procrastinating on.
Am still pooping and crying.

Afterglow: My off days - Integration
It feels like my brain and body went through a weeklong intensive boot camp. My mind is now empty.
I feel stretched in all directions.

The next day I lacked appetite, was nauseous and felt inward but very creative.

I had a heart opening that felt like an explosion in my chest of immense love radiating in and out simultaneously.

That night, I had a lucid dream involving a mother mushroom, a boa constrictor, and a mouse.

Week 2
I feel clear-headed and good.

I am becoming productive and focused.

I had a big release about being lonely and isolated.

The mushrooms are bringing out what is inside of me.

I have started to work with clients online again.

I have minimal appetite, and my body is buzzing. I cut back a little on the dosage.

My brain feels alert and enhanced, but I don't feel high.

I'm starting to face the aftermath of all that I lost. I feel overwhelmed and in a funk.

I woke up clear-headed and feeling balanced.
I spoke to several people who have known me since childhood.
They said my voice sounded balanced, and there was already a huge difference since starting the protocol.

My vision seems crisper.

I had two more heart openings, and some new creative ideas emerged.

Subsequent Weeks

I had a one-hour session with Erin. Next time she will do brain-spotting trauma release.

I am able to feel and face how to rebuild myself and my life.

I have been non-stop creative.

I remember being a little girl, sitting on my bed, and drawing and writing.
I now have access to the openness and creativity of my child brain.

The mushrooms are preventing me from being depressed about my life and giving me the energy to do something about it.

I had a brain-spotting session with Erin. It was powerful. I felt a lot of sensation in my prefrontal cortex.
Memories came up that I did not know were connected.
After the session, I slept until the next day.

A few days later, it was time to dose again.
I felt the mushrooms go right to my prefrontal cortex.
They are so intelligent. I am in awe.
I had more access to my brain after this.

I am reassessing my values. Everything was stripped away from me, and I am ok. All the things we are afraid to lose, we don't really need. The only thing we really need is each other.

During an afterglow, I had a profound spiritual experience that I am unwilling to share publicly.

I lost my appetite and had difficulty sleeping, so I backed down on the dosage until those symptoms resolved.

I had another brain-spotting session with Erin. Luckily I don't have a lot of trauma, so this was more of a fine-tuning. Again I went right to sleep afterward until the next day.

The mushrooms went right to the prefrontal cortex again.

To take advantage of the mushrooms' enhanced neuroplasticity, I added the Safe and Sound Protocol modality created by Dr. Stephen Porges to my daily practice. I wanted to understand what had happened to my nervous system, so I got certified in the Safe and Sound Protocol. Now I have another tool in my toolbox for myself and my clients.

Overall, the mushrooms facilitated healing, plus other factors and modalities contributed.
First and foremost, I was 100% committed.
I surrendered to this process, and when it was uncomfortable, I kept going.
I was going to heal at any cost.
I was in a safe environment with low responsibility.
I used other modalities with the micro-dosing protocol, such as therapy, trauma release, remote craniosacral, conscious solitude, gyrokenisis for the mind-body connection, and the Safe and Sound protocol.

Surprising bonuses of micro-dosing Psilocybin are brain enhancement and strengthening of the mind-body connection.

My creativity is off the charts!
I feel like an artist again, with life as my canvas.

I feel more connected to the earth. It's like I am wired into the mycelium network, which has added another dimension to my reality.

It still amazes me that a healthy, conscious, successful person can lose everything quickly.

Luckily we as humans have been gifted Psilocybin mushrooms.

I still have moments where I think, "WTF happened to my life?"

After going through this death-rebirth process, writing this feels like the 1st step in returning to the world.

I am taking steps every day to get my life back on track.

As a subject in the growing field of psychedelic science, I can confirm that this case study is a success.

I'd love to hear if my story positively impacted you.
Please comment or privately message me.